In Praise of Oil, Oil Execs and Carbon in General

After my recent 40th birthday surprise from my wife that involved a Slip n’ Slide, two quarts of mineral oil, and the Girl being exiled from the house for several hours, I started thinking about just how many babies you have to squeeze to make a bottle of baby oil.

And then I started thinking about oil in general. I love the stuff.

Without energy companies, petroleum products, and all those beautiful smokestacks, industrial plants, and internal combustion engines, pretty much:
-Two of three live births would be dead within a year.
-People like Stephen Hawking and anyone else you know who’s had the stroke of bad luck in the disease and/or accident department would likely be dead.
-In fact, most of you would be dead or not born since without petroleum, we couldn’t produce enough food and clean water for a tenth of the population.
-No Internet and hence no porn to make up for all the sex* you wouldn’t be getting since there wouldn’t be near as many women around (see China) (*not applicable to nine of 10 blog junkies)
-All the rescued animal species? All dead, and more on top of that, since we wouldn’t have the luxury of conservation.
-Oh, and all of you 27-year-old environmentalist emos? Yeah, you’d be tribal elders, with three years left until you had to face a rock version of Carousel.
-Did I mention no Internet, no travel, no medicines, no clean water, famine, plague and deforestation since we’d have to store our meager knowledge on paper, and we’d be burning the shit out of wood to stay warm?
-No models, action figures, cell phones, etc.
-No latex fetish wear.
-The French would be speaking German. Not exactly sure how, but it just follows.

So, thank an oil executive next time you see one. Give him a hug. Pay a few extra bucks at the pump. Go on, rev that engine and race someone when the light turns green.

For god’s (and your own) sake, vandalize a hybrid.

Because petroleum is what makes life possible, and worth living. If you doubt it, invest in a Slip n Slide and a smokin’ hot wife.

Comments

  1. Chuck says:

    You’re only 40? For some reason I thought you were a couple of years older. Happy birthday!

  2. Peterk says:

    The slip n slide I can find pretty much everywhere, but where do you find a “smokin’ hot wife”?

    seriously great post

  3. I bought her on the Internets!

  4. Jen says:

    mcConaughey voice, “Smokin hot wife” end mcConaughey voice.

    Oh did you say something else. :D

  5. Peterk says:

    so share the link dude or did they run out after you got yours

  6. Dommerdog says:

    You left out petroleum jelly!

  7. If the Federal Government and Exxon stood on the edge of a cliff and I could only save one of the….Exxon wins without hesitation.

  8. amanda says:

    good stuff.

  9. Bob says:

    Hey Sweetness, in your oil-induced fantasy, you left out napalm, carpet bombing and perpetual war against oil-producing Muslims. If you want to thank somebody for all that oil, thank Hugo Chavez, the Saudi princes and the Chinese for loaning you the money to buy your oil jerk-off fantasies.

  10. Dallasite says:

    So, Bob, you’re saying that we should live in poverty, and a regressed society, to keep from having to deal with bad people?

  11. Daniel says:

    If the Federal Government and Exxon stood on the edge of a cliff and I could only save one of them

    First, the Government would save Exxon even as it tumbled off the cliff itself, don’tcha know.

    Oh, and the answer is three-point-four. Three-point-four babies.

  12. Bob says:

    “So, Bob, you’re saying that we should live in poverty, and a regressed society, to keep from having to deal with bad people?”

    No, I’m saying there is an enormous price tag for the blinkered self-indulgence of “rev that engine and race someone when the light turns green.” Faux ‘conservatives’ like Trey – and most of what counts for leadership in the GOP – want to guzzle oil and spend borrowed money like there’s no tomorrow and yet they don’t want to pay the price of their unbridled right to consume like drunken teenagers.

  13. Dallasite says:

    “Faux ‘conservatives’ like Trey”

    So who gets to determine what a “real” conservative is, you? You sound like a typical far left socialist, so sorry, you don’t get to make that determination.

    I personally love napalm, as long as we’re using on our enemies, and not the other way around. As far the petty dictators and despots you listed above, the best way to bankrupt them is to start drilling domestically. I take it you don’t have a problem with drilling ANWR and the outer continental shelf, do you?

  14. I would rather die on a burned out cinder in space than live in the world envisioned by the environmentalists and Barack Obama….So I will continue to barbeque on Earthday and drive my gas guzzler. We should also drill more wells offshore. Necessity may someday force us to replace oil…the force used by government for political purposes to make us conserve doesn’t create anything except lousy economies and more poor people.

  15. Daniel says:

    Please don’t take this wrong, Phillip, but you’re just so darn manly!

  16. Bob says:

    “I would rather die on a burned out cinder in space than live in the world envisioned by the environmentalists and Barack Obama”

    How enlightened of you. Be careful what you wish for.

  17. Frank R says:

    Had the west not developed the oil fields in the Middle East the tribes would still be fighting one another with relatively crude weapons. The Saudis would never be able to afford to fund wahabism, Iran would never afford a nuclear reactor or anything else for that matter. The list goes on. Is that ethnocentric? Perhaps, but without a source of income where would the Middle Eastern tribes have gotten the money to buy the drills to bring the oil to the surface to sell to the rest of the world. They had no thriving modern economy before the west horribly raped them for their oil in exchange for huge sums of cash.
    Not to mention that we have domestic sources of oil close by which our illustrious leaders refuse to allow us to tap. Why? Well, because it would take ten years for that oil to impact the market. Oh, yeah, that’s what they said ten years ago.
    Finally, people in glass houses . . . . . . The Republicans hold no lock on spending what they don’t have. In the event you missed it our fearless (feckless?) leader just quadrupled the debt. Last time I looked, which was just a few minutes ago because we now have the all Obama all the time news, he was a Democrat.

  18. Daniel…well considering my gender, what else would I be if not manly? Metrosexual?