Good Thing There’s No Crime Problem in Dallas, or The Bathrooms Are Secure, Sir

storyOkay, so comes word that since Monday, Dallas Police have arrested four men for cruising in the bathrooms at NorthPark Center. Comments, of course, have been sober, serious, reflective and not at all in the vein of, say, the Inquisition or anything crazy like that.

Sure, everyone can agree meeting someone in a bathroom for sex is pretty gross, right? Well, not gross, per se. I mean, not for heterosexuals. On airplanes. Any other members of the Mile High Club here? Ah? Yes? I see some hands. So much for that absolute.

And what you do in a stall is supposed to be private. I mean, I hope there’s no hidden cameras in there checking us all to make sure we’re not sporting a half a chub.

And propositioning another person in public isn’t a crime in itself either. Well, technically, it is in Dallas.

Code Section 31-19(a): “In this section SODOMY [ed: their caps] means any contact between the genitals of one person and the mouth or anus of another person.” Code Section 31-19 (b): “A person commits an offense if he solicits another in a public place to engage with him in sodomy not for hire.”

(That means what you think it means. If you’re in a bar or on a sidewalk or in a restroom, and you even ask a stranger, your significant other, or even your spouse for a special favor, even one to be granted later, in the comfort of your own home, you just committed a crime. No, this isn’t about prostitution—that’s a whole different section. Good lord. What Talibunny wrote these laws?)

Of course the composed, thoughtful, witch-burning commenters immediately started in with their “Think of the children!” sing-along. Never mind that their precious little snowflakes isn’t what closeted gay males and married guys on the down-low are cruising for when they’re cruising bathrooms.

Never mind that little Josh is in almost exclusively more danger from weird Uncle Steve or the step-father than a stranger.

Strangers were the offender in just 3% of sexual assaults against victims under age 6 and 5% of the sexual assault of victimizations of youth ages 6 through 11.
-Sexual Assault of Young Children as Reported to Law Enforcement,
7/00, NCJ 182990, U.S. Department of Justice (more)

And those same composed, thoughtful commenters, of course, demanded that pictures of those arrested be published, the goal being to shame them. Never mind that a person charged with a crime has not been found guilty of a crime, and that never in history have police brought wrongful charges against anyone. Not in Dallas County, anyway.

I mean, if you’re charged with a crime, clearly you committed it, right? Due process is so pre-9/11.

GEORGE MICHAEL GETS THE MUNCHIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT* EXCAnd what guy hasn’t been in a restroom where some dude started leering at him? Guess what. You walk away. These sad sacks cruising the restrooms are looking for like minds, not a confrontation. You do your business and get out. Seriously, what guy makes a point of looking at other dudes to see if they’re checking him out?

I mean, I don’t even look at my own business, much less check to see if the guy two urinals over is shaking it too often.

And really, officer, you’re peering in stalls? Who’s being creepy now?

But I’m getting sidetracked.

Let’s get back to the bathroom cruisers police have been busting at NorthPark.

All gotchas out of the way, it is for certain that a venue for guys to meet for anonymous, Idaho Republican style extra-curricular activities is not what Macy’s and Dillard’s has in mind in their restrooms. And yes, I think it’s gross and icky.

But the key words above aren’t gross and icky. The key words are their bathrooms.

Guess who should be patrolling the restrooms and showing creepy acting people to the exit? Yep, that’s right.


Let the stores monitor their own facilities on their own dime. Dallas still has one of the worst violent crime rates in the country and a near nine-figure budget shortfall.

And yet we’re sending professional, sworn peace officers into bathrooms to do pecker checks.

I’m sorry, but this kind of behavior just doesn’t get a rise out of me.


  1. Jack E. Jett says:

    I can’t think of a more disgusting place to have sex than in public toilet. Studies have shown that many men who participate is such risky behavior are closet cases living in heterosexual relationships who are looking for a quick convenient monkey spanking activity.
    On the other hand (pun intended) did the vice officer hold some responsibility in following the man to another toilet, then allowing him to pull his pants down, and then begin getting his ice cream maker in working order? What if some children had walked in and been exposed during that?

    Thanks Trey, I love this Libertarian side of you.
    Pls folw me 2 Trget, stall #2, 3 taps rt toe.
    Also, rmnd me, p/u crew sox

  2. Daniel says:

    Uncle Steve? Ya think? Thanks for the tip-off. I’ll be giving him the stink-eye and making pointed double-entendres at all future family get-togethers, rest assured.

    Jack E makes a good point and one that stuck in my craw during the Humiliation of Larry Craig. I’ll confess I indulged in a little schadenfreude, but it sure seemed like entrapment to me. (Plus, is is illegal to tap one’s toe? Where was the documented indecency there?)

  3. Bethany says:

    Peeking in stalls to see if someone’s sporting wood? What’s next, staking out the library stacks to make sure nobody is bending over a page?

  4. Tom says:

    Speaking of wide stances, when was the last time Pete Sessions went shopping at NorthPark?

  5. Steve says:

    Agreed 100%. The police should be spending their valuable time arresting black people standing on the front porch of their own home.

  6. Daniel says:

    Sportingwood would be a good name for a gay country club.

  7. Dallasite says:

    “Sportingwood would be a good name for a gay country club.”

    Half the quotes in Caddyshack would have a completely different meaning.

    “How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?”

  8. Jen says:

    “How would you like to come over and mow my lawn?”

    People still have lawns? (shall we say)

  9. Dallasite says:

    “People still have lawns?”

    Only for carpet/drape match verification purposes.

  10. Donna Diorio says:

    We have become so acclimated to completely inappropriate public behavior, now we are criticizing the police for keeping park restrooms free of public lewdness? One difference I can think of between the mile-high club and the public park is that little kids are not going to wander in on the sex act in the airplane toilet like they surely might in the park facilities.

    Arrest them and do everything possible to keep public park facilities clear of people engaging in private perversions. Libertarian or just plain desensitized to decent moral social norms?

  11. It’s a store bathroom, not a public park. Macy’s and Dillard’s, specifically.

    Of course police should enforce rules in a public park. It’s public property.

    But a store bathroom is owned by the store.

    So this libertarian is wondering why public tax dollars and city police are being used to enforce rules in privately owned rest rooms.

  12. John says:

    The police are never wrong, and they never lie on police reports.