I love clouds

So says the judge about the lawsuit brought against me and D Magazine for the story I wrote in 2007 outing some dirty cops who were betraying their oaths to protect and serve. (Thank you Haynes & Boone and especially Jason Bloom FTW.)

A less gracious gentleman might suggest the whole thing was a time-wasting scam put on by the plaintiff’s attorney — David Schiller of Plano. And someone without proper breeding might be tempted to point out that Mr. Schiller has some questionable history himself what with Schiller having been accused by a U.S. Bankruptcy judge of snookering some $600,000 from his own clients, none of which — only a cad would observe — ended up in the hands of any local health clubs, tailors, additional law training seminars, or weight loss centers.

And really, only an immature ass would remind Mr. Schiller that, when he was told by a certain bloggy journalist — and I paraphrase — monkeys would fly from my nethers before I gave up the name of a single source who was assured their identity would be protected, Mr. Schiller responded with a smarmy “We’ll see.”

I, of course, am just not the kind of low-class person to engage in such endzone showboating, much less say something really glib and gloating like — I don’t know, I’m just trying to give an example — but something like “Suck it, Schiller.” No, that would be disreputable. Uncivilized, even.

Mercy and grace are the mark of a great man, even when he had eight goddamn hours of his life stolen for a ham-fisted deposition in a frivolous lawsuit.

So I won’t do those things. Because Mr. Schiller and his clients are honorable men.

I shall simply say, “Hail, and fare thee well, sir.”

Smoking in bars is illegal today in Dallas. The virulent march of the pernicious petit neo-puritans continues.

So I’m reposting in full my February feature story from D Magazine, which looks at the sorry, gelded, Nerf-world we’re headed towards.

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The Wussification of Dallas

by Trey Garrison
We used to have fun here. We used to smoke and gamble and ride our bicycles without using our hands. Then, for some reason, we decided to make everything illegal.

Don’t smoke. Not even in bars. Because you might ruin the health of those bar-hoppers who are there to get a cardio workout. Take those stickers off your window. No dogs allowed. Put on your bike helmet. Put down that toy gun. You are under surveillance. Hang up that cell phone. Don’t touch. Don’t walk. Don’t run. No horseplay. Tear down that dangerous playground equipment. Fireworks? High-dive boards? Are you kidding? It’s the crazy minutiae of it all that gets you. You end up breaking the law without even knowing it. [Read more...]

State Rep. Betty Brown, R-Terrell, during testimony in Austin on voter identification legislation said Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are — in her sage words — “easier for Americans to deal with.”

It gets better. Brown defended her remarks. No, really.

Can’t you see that this is something that would make it a lot easier for you and the people who are poll workers if you could adopt a name just for identification purposes that’s easier for Americans to deal with?

Because apparently, even though to vote you have to be an American citizen, Asian people aren’t.

I’ll start, you finish.

• The shaved head, goatee look. Real original, guys.
• Myspace. Myspace is the new Bluetooth. And that’s not a good thing.
• Disgraceful coverage of the new president’s daughters. Probably less likely than what we saw with Dubya’s kids, but they didn’t ask for the spotlight, nor have Obama’s daughters.
• Priuses. Seriously.
• The Patriot Act. Just kill it, already.
• Twitter.
• “Rock star” as a description for anyone in politics.
• “Bro” prefixes, and all derivations. “Bromance.” “Mantastic.” Ad nauseum.
• Bill Clinton.
• Warren Buffet.
• Green as a marketing tool.
• “Global climate change” as anything but a punchline.
• Sarah Jessica Parker. Come on. She looks like a foot.
• Fertility treatments for people who, clearly, God does not want to have children.
• New reality cooking shows.
• Lost

What have you got?

Just playing catchup today after a busy marathon weekend, some pending deadlines, and some meetings today.

So stay tuned, sign up for my RSS feed, and I’ll try to be back this afternoon.

Or talk amongst yourselves. I’ve turned comments on.

• In what possible universe is getting 60 stitches to the scrotum not, in fact, “permanent damage”?

• In English: cat, bat; in French, chat, Rambo. It really is quite obvious, don’t you know?

• I pretty much thought alarm systems are standard issue these days. Apparently not. Who doesn’t have one already? Why wouldn’t you?

• And now a special treat for my fellow geeks:

Will be at least until 8 p.m. Talk amongst yourselves.

I’ll turn comments on. Feel free to spit on the floor and call the cat a bastard.

I’m running late for a meeting this morning and have some pressing deadlines. I’ll have some stuff up later today after noon. I’d rather be late and put up something good than put up crap just to put something up. Although you could argue this honest post is, indeed, crap. So there’s my morning conundrum for you.

Also, I need your input. I’m thinking of going from a morning roundup format to posting several items throughout the day. I’ve developed a good stable of readers and I’d like to hear from you. A morning buffet to start your workday, or somewhere you can come back several times throughout the day?

I’ll leave you with this little ditty from a reader who has a knack for parables — this one on the FAILOUT.

Once upon a time, in a place overrun with monkeys, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, they became harder to catch, so the villagers stopped their effort.

The man then announced that he would now pay $20 for each one. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and they were ever harder to catch, so people started going back to their farms and forgot about monkey catching.

The man increased his price to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so sparse that it was an effort to even see a monkey, much less catch one.

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys for $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf.

While the man was away the assistant told the villagers, “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has bought.

I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, and once again there were monkeys everywhere.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.